Anyway, just wanted to say hi guys, and in case you were wondering why I've been posting so much lately, I've been hanging around a lot for the past couple weeks, and reading old posts, and I don't know why. But it just occurred to me tonight that lately I've been revisiting my past and I think, rather than being bored, the ol' subconscious is looking for something.

I think part of it is because I'm in a relationship for the first time since 2005 (with a short 2 month blip in a long-distance relationship with an over protective clingy guy I met while researching my masters thesis.... ughhh) and despite all my inner voice protestations its starting to become.... serious. Which means emotions! And stuff!

And it's been a while since I had emotions! And stuff! And while reading back over some of these threads I'm actually shocked by how open I was to you guys. I mean, sure, its the internet, but still...

...so I dunno, maybe the subconscious is trying to remind me what it's like to be able to talk about stuff.

But it's scary. Not so scary right now telling you guys this, because I know I've done it before, but it is strange but not as difficult as I thought it would be.

--------------------

See, the thing is, my last boyfriend, the one from 2005, I thought I loved him (see that's difficult to say, even here) and he basically broke my heart when he broke up with me without giving me a reason. And I'm not pointing to that as the reason why I find it difficult to open up (although as I think about it I think it is a factor, as just as I was opening up to him and learning to trust him he broke up with me AGHHHH).

But, I remember all the time we were going out (just over a year) I remember thinking we were never really that close. And then a year after we break up he sends me this e-mail that basically tells me that he's been diagnosed with depression and he's had it since he was 16. And I wonder how screwed up it is to have been in a relationship with a person for a year and think you love him and not figure out that he was depressed?

(oh and Red if you're reading this I didn't want to tell you because you guys seemed to get along really well and I figured it was his issue and if he wanted you to know he could tell you himself. But I guess its not so big a deal for you to know if you didn't already)

And the current boyfriend, when we started dating I was trying really hard to be open, but its so easy to get complacent after a while. But I think perhaps it is difficult for him too. At least with the boy from 2005, he was always (at least it seemed at the time) very open and encouraging to me to talk about stuff.

But perhaps the biggest barrier for me is that I just don't want to talk about things. It's boring and messy and difficult and I talked about stuff enough when I was a teenager and I just want to move on and leave all that behind. But it feels to me like you can't really know a person and have these connections and emotions without all this (intangible) stuff. Difficult.

--------------------